WEDDING CEREMONY MONOLOGUE Newly “ordained” through the Internet, this “minister” is performing her first wedding ceremony. The 45-year-old bride is a friend of hers. The groom is the son of another woman who is no longer their friend, but who is at the wedding nonetheless. Dear Friends... and Gloria, Monica and me, and Gloria too for that matter, we all go way back. Sure, at first I was surprised when Monica told me she was marrying Gloria’s kid... weren’t we all? But then I remembered that Pablo Cruise song we were all so crazy about in High School... Oh, sorry. I just love that song... So then Monica asked me to perform the ceremony... What an honor! And well worth the $19.95 it cost to become an ordained minister, not to mention the extra $12.99 for business cards. Please see me after the wedding if you’d like one. OK, moving on...I think this is from the Bible somewhere but Monica gave it her own personal touch for the occasion... Love is awesome, love is hot. It does not look at other women, even on a topless beach. It does not notice cellulite or crows feet. It does not stay out late with the boys. It does not put its feet up on the coffee table. Love always says the right thing, always agrees, always is up for a little bit of... (laughing) Monica, really... you're too much! OK, now the vows... Do you, Monica Ann DeVore, take... uh... kid, what’s your name again? Oh right, Tad... Tad Underwood, to be your lawfully wedded... (turning away) Gloria, will you put a sock in it just this once? And do you, Tad Underwood, take Monica to be your wife? OK, cool. By the certificate emailed to me by get-your-hitch-on.com, I now pronounce you woman and husband. Monica, you may now legally smooch the groom!
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