The Owl and the Pussycat

(Lights up on a public restroom. A man enters and goes to the sinks. He is dressed in an owl costume. He stares at his reflection in the mirror, having an identity crisis.)

OWL
Who? WHO? WHHOOO? WHH...

(Sound of a toilet flushing. A woman in a cat costume enters from a cubicle. She moves gracefully even though she’s contorting to try to zip up a back zipper. OWL is surprised into stuttering.)

Excuse mm... mm... mme?

PUSSYCAT
What the hell are you doing in here?

OWL
I’m... You’re... This is the mm... men’s room.

PUSSYCAT
It is? Right, I see that now. Sorry, did I interrupt your hooting? Give me a sec to wash my hands and I’ll get out of your hair, I mean feathers.

OWL
You’re a cat...

PUSSYCAT
And you’re a master of the obvious.

OWL
Said the woman who peed in the men’s room. No, what I mm... mean is, you’re a pussycat...

PUSSYCAT
And you’re an owl. Oh, I get it. Like in the poem. The owl and the pussycat...

OWL
went to sea...

PUSSYCAT
in a beautiful pea green boat. Yes, well. Nice to meet you, Mr. Owl, but I’m going back to the party before my husband thinks I’ve run away with the spoon.

OWL
The dish.

PUSSYCAT
What?

OWL
Mother Goose. The cat and the fiddle. The dish ran away with the spoon. The owl and the pussycat dined on mince and slices of quince which they ate with a runcible spoon.

PUSSYCAT
You certainly know your nursery rhymes, Mr. Owl.

OWL
I guess you’d say it’s part of my job description. I’m a kindergarten teacher.

PUSSYCAT
Isn’t that nice. Well, good night...

OWL
Wait!

PUSSYCAT
What now?

OWL
You’re still unzipped.

PUSSYCAT
Oh, right. I can’t reach. Would you mind?

(PUSSYCAT turns her back to OWL who starts to zip, then pauses.)

OWL
Hmmm... And what if I don’t? You can’t go out there half-zipped. The way I see it, you’re mm... my hostage, at least until somebody else comes in here.

PUSSYCAT
What? You’re kidding, right? OK, I’ll play along. What’s the game?

(OWL sighs and zips her up the rest of the way.)

OWL
No game. It’s just... for a minute I thought... I wondered... Oh, never mind. Go back to your husband. Leave me and this men’s room behind you forever.

PUSSYCAT
Jeez, no need to get melodramatic. Jack doesn’t even know I’m gone. Guess what his costume is. I’ll give you a clue. He deals in foreclosures.

OWL
Um... a pirate?

PUSSYCAT
Yup. Pillage and plunder by day, pillage and plunder by night. So, what do you wonder?

(To buy time, OWL opens a small window set high in the wall.)

OWL
I’m here with my spouse too. She’s a brain surgeon.

PUSSYCAT
She is a brain surgeon or she’s wearing a brain surgeon costume?

OWL
Yes, and yes. But the blood on the costume is fake. At least that’s what she told me. Do you work?

PUSSYCAT
I have a dance studio. Maybe I teach some of the same kids you do.

OWL
It’s a small world, especially when you’re five years old. So you’re a dancer. That explains two things. One, why you’re at a fundraiser for Children’s Art Programs, and...

PUSSYCAT
Two?

OWL
Why you mm... move like a cat. Graceful and silky, alert and a little bit dangerous.

(PUSSYCAT slinks over to the window in exaggerated cat moves, showing off. Moonbeams glimmer around her head.)

PUSSYCAT
Can I ask you a question?

OWL
Anything.

PUSSYCAT
What the hell’s a runcible spoon?

(They laugh, finally at ease with each other. OWL’s stutter is gone.)

OWL
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon, the moon, the moon.

(OWL moves toward her.)

PUSSYCAT
They danced by the light of the moon.

(OWL offers his arms as if asking her to dance, but just before they touch, the toilet in the other stall flushes. Someone has been in there all along. They freeze, staring at each other.)

(Blackout. End.)