DOORBELL

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Middle-aged WIFE sits on the couch in front of the television. The sound is off. She watches her HUSBAND who is talking to someone at the front door. The visitor is out of view and we can only see the husband’s back.

HUSBAND
(to person at the door)
That’s okay, you can keep he whole roll.
(pauses, then laughs)
I’m sorry, but you know how it is... Good night.

HUSBAND turns into the room, holding a roll of toilet paper. He closes the door.

WIFE
That was weird.

HUSBAND
Very suspicious.

WIFE
What exactly did he say?

HUSBAND
Do you know anyone in the neighborhood who has a kid named Jordan?

WIFE
It was a kid?

HUSBAND
Well, young, maybe 20. But taller than me. He said he was a Marine, if that would help.

WIFE
What’s that supposed to mean?

HUSBAND
That we could trust him? It doesn’t make any sense.

He sits down on the other end of the couch.

WIFE
Did he say he lives around here?

HUSBAND
He said he lived “down there.”
(gesturing down the hill)

WIFE
Why didn’t he just go home? Or go in the woods? It’s not like anyone’s going to see him out there in the dark.

HUSBAND
He said it was an emergency.
(pause)

WIFE
Well, I’m glad you didn’t let him in.

Husband picks up remote, turns on the sound, turns it off again.

HUSBAND
Maybe he was casing the house to see if we were home.

WIFE
You can’t tell anything from the front when the garage door’s shut. We should have watched to see where he went.

They go to the door, open it, look outside, close the door.

HUSBAND
(picking up the phone)
I think I’ll call the sheriff.

WIFE
(standing, walking)
I’ll email the neighbors. But you don’t need to call 9-1-1. It’s hardly an emergency.

HUSBAND
What’s the number for the substation?

WIFE
(turning back)
How the heck should I know? It’s not every night some guy shows up at our door asking to use the bathroom.

WIFE picks up a phone book. HUSBAND puts down the phone.

HUSBAND
This is stupid. They’re not going to do anything anyhow.

WIFE
They could send out a patrol car.

HUSBAND
You mean like they did when Joe backed off our driveway? The tow truck hauled his car away before the patrol car showed up.

WIFE
Yes, but...

HUSBAND
But what? By the time the cops get here, we could be dead! Didn’t you read about that couple in Pennsylvania? Tied up and their throats cut for some jewelry.

WIFE
Oh my God, that’s terrible.

HUSBAND
And that happened in a small town too.
(pause while they mull that over)
Maybe we should get a shotgun.

WIFE
Or a guard dog...

HUSBAND
Or both... and an alarm system.

WIFE
I’ve never held a gun.

HUSBAND
It’s easy. I’ll teach you.

WIFE
(a little hysterical)
I’d be afraid to have a gun in the house. Where would we keep it? Upstairs in case they broke in while we were sleeping? What about the ammunition? Where’s that supposed to go? We can’t keep a loaded gun in the house. The bad guys could grab it and shoot us with our own gun!

HUSBAND
Don’t worry, that’s not going to happen. It’s just for security. In this day and age, we can’t depend on the cops. We need to protect ourselves, even way out here.

WIFE
Especially way out here.

HUSBAND
Anyone could get a short haircut and say he was a Marine. What if I let him in? He pulls a knife out of his sock, calls in his buddies, and that’s that. Front page news.

WIFE
Why didn’t you ask him his last name? Or his address?

HUSBAND
I’m not going to give a guy the third degree just cuz he has to take a shit!

WIFE
But you gave him the toilet paper.

(they laugh)

HUSBAND
He wouldn’t even take the whole roll. He pulled some off and handed the rest back. But I was careful just in case he was thinking about grabbing my wrist and yanking me off my feet.

WIFE
He’s probably just a local kid who went out for a jog and got a stomach ache.

HUSBAND
Yeah. Probably. I feel kind of stupid now.

WIFE
It wasn’t very neighborly of us, was it?

HUSBAND
No. I wonder if...

THE DOORBELL RINGS. HUSBAND and WIFE stare at each other.
FADE TO BLACK.